I am so loving this little book by Claudia Black. In Double Duty:Food Addiction she laid out the differences between the healthy and dysfunctional families. She made such a profound statement “since many Adult Children often lack an understanding of what is normal or healthy in family”. Boy isn’t that the truth! For most people that grow up in dysfunctional families the extended family is at some level of dysfunction as well. It makes it hard to find anyone to look at and say “oh, this is what healthy looks like”. Even when you see healthy it may feel so uncomfortable because it is foreign that you don’t know how to react to it.
In a Nurturing Family…..
- People feel free to talk about inner feelings
- All feelings are okay
- The person is more important than performance
- All subjects are open to discussion
- Individual differences are accepted
- Each person is responsible for his/her own actions
- Respectful criticism is offered along with appropriate consequences for actions
- There are few “shoulds”
- There are clear, flexible rules
- The atmosphere is relaxed
- There is joy
- Family members face up to and work through stress
- People have energy
- People feel loving
- Growth is celebrated
- People have high self worth
- There is a strong parental coalition
In a Dysfunctional Family…..
- People compulsively protect inner feelings.
- Only “certain” feelings are okay.
- Performance is more important than the person.
- There are many taboo subjects, lots of secrets.
- Everyone must conform to the strongest person’s ideas and values.
- There is a great deal of control and criticism.
- There is punishment, shaming
- There are lots of “shoulds”
- The rules are unclear, inconsistent, and rigid.
- The atmosphere is tense.
- There is much anger and fear.
- Stress is avoided and denied.
- People feel tired, hurt and disappointed.
- Growth is discouraged.
- People have low self-worth
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Coalitions form across generations.
One of the interesting things to me as I read over this list was to gut check how my house was today. This is no longer about my family of origin now it is about how am living today? What do I want for my life? What am I teaching my children? Will I be the one that breaks the cycle?
