Coping

There are lots of ways we use to cope from pain, anxiety and/or stress. Somewhere along the way everyone gets hurts. We are hurt by something said or done to us. It can be Johnny kicking over your sand castle when you are 5 or some insensitive hormonal 14 year old calling you fat in middle school. But hurts are created, we ALL have them. But what happens next is what makes the difference do we own them as truth or as someone’s opinion?

Confronting Questions

I usually am reading 4 or 5 books simultaneously I guess that answers why it takes me so long to finish. Anyway I have been reading Emotional Bullshit by Carl Alasko, Ph.D. (yes that is really the title) for a couple weeks. Great book, get past the title. So I got to his three questions that I will share with you. I don’t want to lose any of its flavor by paraphrasing I am going to copy it verbatim…..

Every time you experience some level of anxiety, anger, pain or fear, or you’re facing a decision (even a minor one), or you’re involved in a conflict (even a minor one), take a few seconds to ask yourself the following three questions. You may find your answer immediately after asking Question One, and not have to proceed to the next two. The first question can be such a profound inquiry that the solution to your difficulty can instantly appear. And your behavior can instantly change.

1. Am I denying an essential fact or responsibility?
2. Am I creating a delusional reality to support the denial?
3. Am I deflecting my responsibility by blaming someone or something else?

These are the questions you ask yourself before you go cope. The coping that most of us do….eating, controlling, drinking, smoking, fill in your blank is because we are not dealing with the answer to one of these three questions. When I start to understand what is really going on then change can take place.

Self Care

Addiction, co-dependency, depression, anxiety these are all hard things to get over. I wish you could be tapped on the head and fixed but that is not my experience. These type issues are daily reprieves contingent on my actions. I really wanted them to be on my knowledge, what anti-depressant I was taking, my intentions, etc. but again not my experience! My experience is it requires action on my part. The action of self care continues to develop and is in direct proportion to how much pain I can endure. The first thing I had to do was not drink or do drugs. That requires a commitment and change of behavior. Then it was about developing a relationship with a Higher Power. That is Jesus for me, I won’t mince words about who my Redeemer is! That has required a process of commitment. Then there have been nutritional changes that had to be made. As an alcoholic I process sugar differently than other people. After beating my head against the wall I accept that fact! I require a balance of protein with sugar or carbs. That is taking responsibility. Self care for me involves proper sleep. In my drinking days I would stay out all night and run with the eagles in the morning. But burning the candle at all the end will leave you emotionally unbalanced.

Everything about how I was living my life has had to be changed. Self care is not about indulgence but about personal responsibility. I require good nutrition, exercise, time with Jesus, mediation/quiet time, sleep and honest relationship. This like everything else has been a process. I have only given things up as I could no longer stand the pain the behavior was causing.

Realizing I wouldn’t treat a stranger the way I treat myself sometimes. I deserve my very best……

What Do You Negative/Using Thoughts Look Like?

In the early recovering days it was simple… I would be reminded of past “fun” times, you know drinking beer at the lake, doing coke at a party, drinking bloody mary in the morning. The thought would whisper… “wouldn’t a cold beer taste good right now??? This would be more fun if I had a drink. I could dance better if I had a drink. I could enjoy the concert better”, there are many etcs. here. Of course those whisper thoughts are called romancing the drink or drug; remembering the positive. But I had to train my mind to see it all the way through. I would ask myself questions like… “how often did I really only have one drink?” Of course the answer was RARELY! I had to train my brain to “see it all the way through”. See it all the way through to it being 2 a.m. and all the fun is long gone. You know whether you are with someone or not you are extremely lonely. You come to the reality that no matter how drunk you are you are in emotional pain and the best question of all…. How did I get so drunk? I always set out to just have a few. When I played the tape through to the end and didn’t just focus on the previews of it, it always made me do something different. Doing something different means taking different action! Had I allowed myself to wallow in those thoughts I know I would have had a different outcome. You know that is so clear to me that I have control over seeing it all the way through. I don’t have control over the thoughts coming but I do control what comes next.

But then how do I apply this to other areas of my life? If you are reading this you probably know about obsessive thought. That can range from I don’t feel good, I am fat, my husband is a jerk, whatever. When I began to understand it started with my thoughts but it takes an action. So on a given day I began to focus on how frustrated I am about… work, money, husband, just fill in the blank and I began to run the he said, she said over in my mind. My anxiety level increases, I become irritable and then comes the thoughts of chocolate, ice cream, caramel or something fried. What happens next? This is the place where the action comes in. How often I began to focus on finding a convenience store or fast food restaurant that would give me my fix rather than seeing it all the way through. Just like a drink seeing it all the way through to how bad, how bad I’m going to feel, how irritable I will be with the people that I care about, how bad I’m going to feel about myself for failing again, how fat I’m going to feel and fat I am going to be. The person that is 100 lbs overweight didn’t get there overnight they got there one ounce at a time.

This same principle applies to any coping behavior. If I sit around and stew in trash I will feel depressed, angry, irritable, helpless and hopeless. Begin to see the tape all the way through to the end when the thoughts come. The Bible says in Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

What is that troublesome area for you? Begin to take your thoughts captive in that one area. Say it is focusing on worrying about finances. You can see that thought of worry all the way through. The worry of finances has not made your situation any better and actually it often leaves you tired, depressed, afraid, and hopeless. What would happen if when the thought came you said God I give you the money to care for? You know the concern; I trust you are handling it. And then when it came back you told worry about money… “I’ve given you to God, He is taking care of you today. I need to think about work, kids, whatever but I don’t have time to worry with you right now.” The thoughts will be persistent until you stop feeding them, they will grow weaker and eventually go away. That doesn’t happen overnight but it happens.

Please know satan wants our thoughts to be negative and us to keep feeling defeated.

Begin to take charge of one spot of your thoughts. You will be amazed at how freeing it will be. And how victorious you will feel!